Body Image

Body Image

With summer approaching (maybe? hopefully?) we are getting closer to swimsuit season in Chicago.  While body image issues are spoken of more often around swimsuit season, it is something I, and most women, deal with year round.  (If you know me, then you already know that body image is an issue for me and if you don’t, you could likely infer this from my previous posts - with my eating disorder and food issues, of course body image issues are in the mix.)  I am happy to be in a pretty good place now with my body image. I still often struggle to have a positive body image, but I am so much better than years prior

I recently saw this article:  Bebe Rexha Posts Bikini Pic To Show ‘What A Real Woman Looks Like’

.  I had never heard of Bebe Rexha, (by the way, she is a singer,) but with body image being something I struggle with, I looked at the article out of curiosity.  Famous people posting an untouched photo, or bikini photo showing what their body really looks like isn’t all that uncommon anymore. I feel that they usually still look fabulous - they are in amazing shape, have wonderful skin, etc.  I mean look at this article/photo of Christie Brinkley, 65, in her bikini - she looks amazing for any age, especially 65, but let’s face it, she is/was a supermodel and just doesn’t have an average woman’s body.  I love that the image of Bebe truly looks like a normal woman. Maybe I was especially interested because I think her body looks a lot like mine.  Anyway, I hope to see more photos of “normal” women’s bodies. I think it would be so good for improving body image.

A podcast that I was listening to last weekend was talking about how social media affects body image and they gave the example that one of the woman’s doctors said that they are seeing more and more women,young women, coming in with plastic surgery requests to make them look like a picture of themselves that had been filtered.  The doctor said they have to explain that they can’t do that - it often just isn’t possible to actually do, but also ethically. It is sad. I think it is tough enough to have a good body image, but I can see how social media makes it so much more difficult. I think about kids these days and I am so grateful that I didn’t have social media growing up.  Yes, there are upsides to social media, but ugh I had a hard enough time with my first real breakup without social media. I can’t imagine if I had to see him interacting with other girls on social media, if I had to see photos etc. I would have been even more of a mess.

I actually don’t use social media.  I have a Facebook account, but am never on it and I don’t have Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat. . .any of them.  That being said, I’ve never applied filters to any of my photos. I guess it is the norm now though for many youths (and many adults too ) I don’t know how to make it better for youth these days, but I guess we all just need to try to ensure we are building them up - good body image, the importance of non-physical qualities. . .

Happy Mother’s Day!

Just a reminder.  I am not a mom, I don’t know how all you ladies do it - I admire you.  While I consider myself a “dog mom,” no I don’t think that is anywhere near being a real mom to a human child, but my dog is the only little one that i love and care for, so that is my closest comparison.  Also, any thoughts I ever have on parenting. . .take ‘em or leave ‘em. I share things that I have seen, experienced as a child or just things that sound good, interesting etc. I don’t know anything about parenting though - I’m not trying to pretend that I do.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms in my life!  I feel so incredibly fortunate to be surrounded by so many amazing mothers. . .my mom (the best!,) my sisters and my friends.  You are all amazing. I don’t know how you do it, but you do. And you do it so well. I hope you are spoiled today and are able to make of the day whatever you want.

As I’ve said before, I’m not a parent, but I do want to share some awesome things that my mom has done/does, or things about our relationship which I love and appreciate.  No, this isn’t everything awesome about my mom, but just a few thoughts I wanted to share.

• My mom lets me be me and supports me, even if she disagrees (as long as I’m not hurting myself, etc.)  I previously gave the example of when I got my tattoo. No, my mom isn’t a tattoo kind of lady, but she told me she liked my tattoo (and I believe her) and joked with me about her getting one too.  I asked her how she could be so supportive of me making decisions that she doesn’t agree with and she ultimately said that I’m an adult, that she trusts that I’ve thought about it, made an informed decision (which I did with my tattoo,) and essentially she trusts/supports me.  She has done this with small things, like the tattoo, but also bigger decisions I’ve made in my life too.
• I remember telling my mom how much I appreciate her being my mom growing up, not my best friend.  I always liked and loved my mom “I love you, I like you,” (which is probably a bit of an understatement. . .I was a bit obsessed with her when I was really little,) but she was always my mom, not my friend.  I think I needed her as my mom when I was younger and her being my mom (not my friend) enabled her to become one of my best friends as a grown adult. She will always be my mom, but I love that she is now my mom and my friend.  She truly is one of my very best friends now.
• My mom respected how I felt about things/how I was comfortable.  I know I had shared the example of when I got my period, I was so uncomfortable telling my mom that I wrote her a note telling her.  She didn’t make me sit down and talk to her, instead she wrote me a note back, telling me that I could always come to her if I needed anything and she got me products needed etc.  I am so appreciative that she didn’t force me to sit down and talk, talk, talk to her, she didn’t take it personal - I mean I wasn’t comfortable really talking to anyone about it. She communicated with me in a way that I had demonstrated made me the most comfortable.  And no, I’m not saying that parents should never sit their kids down and have difficult/uncomfortable conversations. . .sometimes that is what is needed. I like though that my mom took into account how uncomfortable I was with it and respected that, communicated with and helped me in a way that I could best relate to/take in.
• My mom has let me make mistakes.  I’m sure there were many, many, many times in my life when my mom was looking at what I was doing/decisions I was making and just cringed, felt terrible, worried etc.  Unfortunately though, I feel that some things in life just have to be learned through experience - I’m sure if she said, “no, what are you doing, you can’t date xyz,” I would have just been mad and/or ignored her.
• When I was dealing with the consequences of my poor decisions, my mom was always there for me - to listen, a shoulder to cry on. . .she was just there to support me.  She never said “I told you so,” or tried to make me feel bad about what I had done. . .she was just there to love and support me. I really have put my mom through a lot - the standard bad boyfriends etc, but also, more seriously, my eating disorder.  She never gave up on me, she never was “finished” with me. While she didn’t tell me this specific to me and/or my eating disorder I had asked my mom how she was able to put up with another person’s mental health issue and I remember asking her how she does it, if she ever thinks about washing her hands of it and she told me that she always thinks/reminds herself that it is an illness.  “They are not just being mean/misbehaving, they are sick.” You wouldn’t shut someone out for having an illness like cancer, so she couldn’t do that with a mental illness. So true (in my opinion,) but what an amazing, strong woman to not only think that, but to reflect that in her actions. And I am so grateful that she was able to continue supporting me through all the stuff I put her through, especially my eating disorder. I could not have gotten healthy without the love and support she gave me, as well as my other family and friends.
• There is obviously a time for all things, but in general, my mom has been very open with me.  If I ask her questions, she answers me honestly, whether it is personal, silly, or whatever. I know my sister Allie says I always get good information/stories out of mom.  I just ask questions and she is always willing to answer.
• As I mentioned above, my mom is now my mom and my friend. I think as I've gotten older and our relationship has changed, I've been able to see my mom more for who she really is. Yes, I would have always said she was loving, supportive, comforting, smart. . .but I love that I've been able to grow to see my mom as funny, witty, strong, sassy (at times) and just so much more. It isn't that she changed, it is just that I've been able to see more of the whole person she is.
• Lastly, to all the moms in my life, you are all amazing.  Seriously. I can’t imagine the stress and pressure put on mothers (by others and yourselves.)  Please keep being amazing and try to remind yourself that there is no “perfect” mother. You can’t all be everything - I try to remind myself this sometimes. . .one person just doesn’t get to be the super fun, super smart, super sensitive, super sweet, etc.  We all have our strengths and we don’t all get to or need to be amazing and perfect at everything.
• I have to include in here that my mom went to brunch today with my sister Alyssa and mentioned that the bread pudding was so amazing that she had to have seconds. Well I told her that she has always been so incredibly selfless that she deserves it. She has been so selfless with me throughout the years and I am sure she has sacrificed dessert many times - letting me have the last cookie, or not getting her dessert because she had to pick me up from somewhere, so she definitely deserves an extra serving of bread pudding. I hope all of you moms treated yourself today, because you deserve it!

As I’ve said before, I know nothing about parenting and I don’t think that pets are equal to human children.  That being said, not having human kids, my dog is the little being that I love and care for. . .the closest thing I have to a child.  I so love and appreciate that my mom respects me being a dog mom. If Stout is sick, my mom is sure to ask the next day how she is doing, just as she would with any of my nieces/nephews.  So, I love, love, love that my mom gets me Mother’s Day cards from Stout. Once my mom even got me a Mother’s Day gift. . .a nice bottle of perfume, which I loved and accepted, but was also sure to tell my mom that while I love the intention, the gift is too much.  I will happily accept the cards, but she really doesn’t need to get me actual gifts. She gets me the cutest dog mom cards though! Below is my card from this year.

 29 Women On What They Wish People Understood About Their Chronic Illnesses

I just came across and this article:  29 Women On What They Wish People Understood About Their Chronic Illnesses.  As someone with a chronic illness I understand where these women are coming from.  That being said, it reminds me how incredibly fortunate I am to have such supportive and understanding friends and family.  As most people have heard me say, “I am not grateful for my MS, but I am able to identify good that has come from my MS,” with one thing being the solidary of my friends and family.  I have always been fortunate to be supported by my friends and family, but I really feel solidarity with those I love/who love me and it is wonderful.

This article got me thinking. . .supporting someone with an illness or disability is tough.  I think especially because everyone wants and reacts to support differently. I still recall once in college I was at a grocery store and there was a man in a wheelchair trying to get ice cream, but appeared to be having trouble doing so.  I went over and asked if I could help and he responded angrily, “no.” (Or who knows, I don’t really remember, maybe I just reached in and grabbed it for him and I shouldn’t have, maybe I was too forward in my trying to help ) I remember thinking, “jeez, I was just trying to help.”  Looking back, I figure he may have just been having a bad day, had been set on doing this independently etc. Very often when I run someone will stop me and ask if I am okay - people out walking/running, some people will pull their car over. (My gait is all strange, I’m super slow, sometimes kind of off balance etc.)  I always smile, say “no thanks” and continue on my way. Some people leave, but others will ask again - “are you sure, can I get you some water, do you need my phone etc.” John had asked me - “doesn’t that bother you and annoy you?” And you know what, it doesn’t. I love it. And no, I don’t love it for the attention, it is just always a reminder to me of the good there is out there, how many kind people are out there.

So it is tough, do you offer to help or not?  We all have to just read the situation and do what we think is best.  My one rule for myself is usually to just ask if they are okay/help is needed, if I think that something is wrong/help is needed. (So just because someone has a different gait, I wouldn't ask if they need anything as long as they seem okay, if they are still cruising along, don't appear distressed, etc.) And if I offer help and someone says “no,” then to just leave it. Also, I think we can all remember that in most cases, especially with friends/family, we can just ask people what they want/need from us.

Anyway, as I had said previously, I’ve been so incredibly fortunate to have the friends and family that I do, loving and supporting me, but one theme I saw through many of these, was women just wanting people to believe them.  So I would just ask that people believe and support each other, regardless. Are there people out there that lie? Yes, but let’s face it, most people are honest and we should just believe and support them. As one women stated “nobody chooses this.”  Yes, it may seem awesome not having to work, but as she expressed, I miss working - I truly do. It is so much harder to not work than I expected. . .much harder emotionally, but but financially, too.

Thanks again to all my loving, trusting, understanding, supportive friends and family!  Everyone has their challenges in life, everyone, and I’m just so fortunate to have you all by my side.

Weighing In On Being Healthy

I wanted to share this article that I just read:  Woman posts dramatic before-and-after of pics of one pound loss to prove that weight is meaningless.  

The article covers the fact that the photos shared note a 2 lb weight loss, but everywhere they mention 1 lb - an error was made when creating the photo. . .it was a 1 lb weight loss.

I loved seeing this.  Too many people focus on weight, when really, unless you are looking at extremes, weight doesn’t really matter.  I’ve had my share of body image issues and that is putting it lightly. As most of you know I dealt with an eating disorder for ~ 7 years.  While I no longer engage (that is the therapy word always used - clearly it was seared in my brain after all my years of therapy, ha,) with my eating disorder, I’ll be the first to admit that I do not have completely normal, perfect thoughts around body, body image, weight and food.  I have however spent a lot of time working to be healthier (mentally and physically) and while I’m not perfect by any means, I have become so much healthier (mentally and physically.) One of the many things that I’ve learned is that numbers/weight really don’t matter (outside of extremes.)

While I have my eccentricities, I really try to keep in mind what truly matters, what is healthiest both physically and mentally.  A lower weight does not necessarily mean healthier. As this women demonstrates, her body looks much healthier and fitter, after she began working out, lifting weights etc, however, she only lost one lb.

While I try to be healthy overall, exercising and eating pretty balanced, I also have learned to give myself a break.  Yes I still run a lot, but especially after my MS, I run so incredibly slow. It really does not benefit me physically nearly as much as it used to, but that is okay.  I keep at it because it still makes me feel good physically and mentally - running probably keeps me sane.

I’ve also become better at giving myself a break. We don't have to be/do everything perfectly to be healthy.  I still have some weird eating disorder things that I’ve learned to accept as my normal.  For example, I really need to have a fruit or vegetable with my meal to feel okay with it.  No, not normal, but it is so, so, so much better than where I had been, I can accept this as my normal.  I’m incredibly fortunate to have friends/family that are understanding of my eccentricities. For example, when we were in Edinburgh, my husband really wanted to go to this pizza place with amazing reviews, but he looked at the menu and there were no fruits or vegetables (no ceasar salad or anything.)  Anyway, he was understanding and supportive and asked me if I would go there for dinner or if I wanted to go somewhere else since there were no fruit/vegetables on the menu. I know this is weird and I appreciate him still taking into account how I feel. I just ate an apple before we went to dinner and ate some amazing pizza. . .and I was able to truly enjoy it!

Anyway, through all this rambling I want to encourage everyone (myself included) to really try to keep overall health in mind - not just looking at physical health, but what makes us feel better mentally as well.  And with physical health, not just looking at weight or being as skinny as possible, but to be in better shape and feeling better.

I would say that in recent years I felt best when I was running ultras. I wasn’t the thinnest I had ever been, I didn’t weigh myself, but I am quite certain I didn’t weigh less than normal, my thighs were definitely larger, but I felt so strong - damn I felt strong.  I loved it!

Female Friendship

I was listening to this episode of Hysteria and they discussed female friendships.  This really got me thinking about my friendships - not just now, but throughout my life.  My apologies, because my thoughts are kind of all over the place on this. And really, I think this really applies to all friendships, regardless of gender, but the podcast focused on female friendships, so I was just thinking of that.

On the podcast they were discussing how they had each, when they were young, had an experience where they had lost a friend without knowing why.  For example, going on vacation and coming back and your friend isn’t your friend anymore, or you are just no longer part of a group of friends. I am fortunate that I didn’t experience this type of loss of friendship specifically.  This however got me thinking about losing my friendship with one of my best childhood friends when I was in highschool, after she started dating someone. It wasn’t me being needy or overreacting, she just only wanted to spend time with him.  I was so incredibly heartbroken. When things were beginning to end, I remember just crying and crying when she would ditch me to see her boyfriend. I was so incredibly fortunate though to still have one of my other childhood friends, Laura, there for me and there was a new group of girls (Sarah, Lori) that welcomed me, supported me and we became fast friends.

This got me thinking.  One thing I am incredibly grateful for is that I’ve learned and have genuinely become okay with the fact that friendships change.  You lose friends, gain friends, the friendship itself changes. It is something I wish we could just tell/teach children, but unfortunately, I think it is something that just needs to be learned.  I’ve really become okay with losing/gaining friends and with friendships changing. That doesn’t mean that I don’t ever feel anything about it, but while I may be sad, I’m not devastated like I was when I was younger.  I understand that it is just life, we change, friends change, things change and while it often isn’t easy, it is just how it is. These changes in friendship doesn’t mean that either person did something wrong, isn’t good enough etc.  Things just change over time.

Thinking about changing friendships, made me think of a few in particular.

• My sisters -  There have been times when Alie and I have been closest, Lyss and I have been closest and Alie and Lyss were closest.  We’ve continued to love, support and include one another though, which I think has made it easy to accept the changes. While we have a lot in common, we also have a lot of differences.  I love that these differences don’t prevent us from being friends, from loving and/or supporting one another.
• Laura - We’ve always been very different in some ways.  I’m tall, she’s short, I was messy growing up, she was neat. . .and in more serious ways, she was raised very religious and involved in her faith/church - I wasn’t.  As we’ve gotten older, I think we’ve developed more differences, rather than more similarities. We went to very different types of colleges, she has children, I don’t, etc.  We’ve both really respected each other for who we are though and we’ve always loved and cared about each other, which has enabled us to weather all the differences/changes.
• Lori - We were incredibly close in high school.  We bonded over our love of music (DMB,) had fun getting into “trouble” (drinking - sorry mom,) but also, she was a friend that I could always talk about my feelings to.  She helped me through many breakups and all kinds of other stuff. We stayed in touch via email and the summers in college, but naturally, just weren’t as close not seeing each other.  Lori moved away after college and through her moves, while we stayed in touch occasionally and we still loved and supported each other, we just weren’t in touch very often. And we both were okay with this.  Life changes, people move, individuals may date/marry, jobs change, etc. And I think we both just knew it was okay. We would be in touch occasionally and always just picked up where we left off when we were able to see each other.  And that was okay. When Lori moved back to the Chicago area, we picked up right where we left off and probably became closer than ever. Even though she has moved again, we’ve remained close. And even if we aren’t able to talk as much as we used to, or to see each other that often, it is okay.  We continue to love and support each other.
• Sarah - She became my friend in high school, when I really needed friendship.  We always had fun together, hanging out, getting into “trouble” (again, drinking - again, sorry mom.)  We then went to college and were roommates, living together for 4 years. I’m sure I drove her crazy at times, living together can be tough, but our friendship survived those 4 years living together and we remained close.  While life has changed and we’ve both faced many ups and downs, we’ve been there to support one another. We don’t see each other often, we actually don’t even chat that often, but I know that if I ever needed anything, she would be there. . .she always is when I need her.  And I think she knows the same of me. When we see each other, we can just pick up where we left off.
• So sorry. . .a lot of rambling on, but I am so incredibly grateful that I’ve become okay with friendship changes.

Of the friends that I’ve been able to keep over the years, I think it is mostly due to our ability to accept one another, no matter how big some differences are.  This is something that I think I’ve learned more from my mom than anyone else. (Thanks Mom.)

I remember talking to my mom after I got my tattoo.  She isn’t a tattoo kind of lady, I’m sure if it was solely up to her (not taking my feelings into account,) she would not have me get a tattoo.  However, she was very supportive of my tattoo. . told me it looked good (and I believe she truly thinks that,) she joked with me about her getting a tattoo now etc.  I remember asking her, how she is/has been so supportive of some things in my adult life, which I know she doesn’t agree with. She essentially told me that I’m an adult, she knows that I’ve made thoughtful choices/decisions (e.g. I had a fake tattoo of the tattoo I wanted made, so I could wear it around a couple weeks to make sure I loved it, I could try different sizes/locations.)  I just love and appreciate that she has supported me throughout my life, even if I make decisions she may not agree with. Friends very often won’t make decisions that each other agrees with, but as long as they’re not hurting one another, we should be supportive (in general.)

I’m not a perfect friend, nor am I a friendship expert.  That said, I try. I try to be a good friend, so a few lessons I’ve learned.

Friend Lessons

Friendships change - friends come and go, dynamic changes between friends and that is okay.

A friend doesn’t have to be everything to you.  If you find someone who is everything, that is awesome.  It is okay though to have a friend who maybe isn’t the most trustworthy etc, but who is fun, fun, fun.  It is okay to have them as your fun friend. Just know/understand how different friends fit in your life and keep that in mind in terms of expectations.

Friends don’t have to like the same things, believe the same things etc.  Just respect each other for what they like, do, believe. Thank you to all my friends for being awesome friends - so loving, supportive and fun!

PTSD in Parents of Ill Children

I just read this article:  For Parents of Ill Children, a Growing Recognition of PTSD and while this doesn’t surprise me, it isn’t something I had really thought about before.

I am so incredibly fortunate that the children in my life (children of friends and family,) do not have any extremely serious fatal illnesses, this got me thinking about all the parents in my life.  So many parents, including my friends and family, have children that have health issues that may not be considered as serious/fatal, but many of my friends and family have to deal with health issues with their children - food allergies, diabetes, asthma, and so many more.  While these may be manageable, I was thinking that this still places an incredible amount of stress on the parents. The article describes one mother - “one challenge, she says, is constant hypervigilance keeps the child she loves safe.”  So many of the parents in my life must have that constant hypervigilance, which has to be incredibly stressful and exhausting.

While I am not perfect, I try to be aware of the illnesses/health issues that the children in my life are dealing with, trying to better educate myself on the illness/health issue and to just be aware of them when interacting with the kids (eg food allergies - ensuring the food available is safe for the children.)  I realized though when thinking about this article that I need to better support the parents of these children. I need to be better about not only how the children are doing, but how the parents are handling things. I don’t really know how to better support the parents in my life dealing with this, so I think the best place to start is to just ask the parents what they need from me, what I can do to help them and better support them.  While I know I need to (and plan to) do this individually when speaking with the parents in my life I want to call out - if there is something that any of you want/need from me, please feel free to just tell me. (And please know, I don’t think it is your responsibility to tell me, it is my responsibility to ask. . .I just want to call out that I am open to you telling me what to do if you choose to do so.)

All you parents out there amaze me.  The love and support that you have for your families and all that you take on for your families (a ton of stress!)  I don’t know how you do it - you are awesome!

Admitting When Wrong

The other day I was listening to a Pod Save America podcast and they were speaking with the former Mayor of New Orleans, Mitch Landrieu, who has been responsible for the removal of the statues of Confederate Generals Robert E. Lee and P. G. T. Beauregard as well as Confederate President Jefferson Davis.  This was/is something that some are very much against, but I was thinking about the many terrible things that are a part of our history. We can’t change what happened in the past, but we absolutely can change how we act/what we do today. I think that while it doesn’t excuse bad things being done, I think that learning from and changing after doing wrong, is the best way to try to make amends.  I really just wish that individuals and companies, organizations, countries, etc would be much better at admitting fault and learning from it.

While different and much less serious, this got me thinking about John and I.  We just bought a house and are in the process of trying to sell our condo, which has been really stressful, especially for John.  (He has really taken on a lot more than I with this whole buying/selling.) Being so stressed we’ve both been stressed and had bad attitudes at times.  We’re not a couple that fights, we don’t even give each other attitude very often. One thing though that I was recently thinking about though is that I am grateful that we are both really good about admitting when we were/are wrong.  If I am stressed and snippy with him, I will say, “I’m sorry for my attitude today, I’m just stressed” and John will do the same - “sorry I’m just so stressed/pissed off with this condo stuff.” I realize that this may not be the case for everyone, but for me, him just saying sorry and acknowledging his attitude enables me to just move past it.  I know that admitting fault is much harder for some than others, but ultimately it is something very simple and easy that we can do to try to right a wrong (or at least make someone wronged feel a bit better, etc.)