Female Friendship

I was listening to this episode of Hysteria and they discussed female friendships.  This really got me thinking about my friendships - not just now, but throughout my life.  My apologies, because my thoughts are kind of all over the place on this. And really, I think this really applies to all friendships, regardless of gender, but the podcast focused on female friendships, so I was just thinking of that.

On the podcast they were discussing how they had each, when they were young, had an experience where they had lost a friend without knowing why.  For example, going on vacation and coming back and your friend isn’t your friend anymore, or you are just no longer part of a group of friends. I am fortunate that I didn’t experience this type of loss of friendship specifically.  This however got me thinking about losing my friendship with one of my best childhood friends when I was in highschool, after she started dating someone. It wasn’t me being needy or overreacting, she just only wanted to spend time with him.  I was so incredibly heartbroken. When things were beginning to end, I remember just crying and crying when she would ditch me to see her boyfriend. I was so incredibly fortunate though to still have one of my other childhood friends, Laura, there for me and there was a new group of girls (Sarah, Lori) that welcomed me, supported me and we became fast friends.

This got me thinking.  One thing I am incredibly grateful for is that I’ve learned and have genuinely become okay with the fact that friendships change.  You lose friends, gain friends, the friendship itself changes. It is something I wish we could just tell/teach children, but unfortunately, I think it is something that just needs to be learned.  I’ve really become okay with losing/gaining friends and with friendships changing. That doesn’t mean that I don’t ever feel anything about it, but while I may be sad, I’m not devastated like I was when I was younger.  I understand that it is just life, we change, friends change, things change and while it often isn’t easy, it is just how it is. These changes in friendship doesn’t mean that either person did something wrong, isn’t good enough etc.  Things just change over time.

Thinking about changing friendships, made me think of a few in particular.

• My sisters -  There have been times when Alie and I have been closest, Lyss and I have been closest and Alie and Lyss were closest.  We’ve continued to love, support and include one another though, which I think has made it easy to accept the changes. While we have a lot in common, we also have a lot of differences.  I love that these differences don’t prevent us from being friends, from loving and/or supporting one another.
• Laura - We’ve always been very different in some ways.  I’m tall, she’s short, I was messy growing up, she was neat. . .and in more serious ways, she was raised very religious and involved in her faith/church - I wasn’t.  As we’ve gotten older, I think we’ve developed more differences, rather than more similarities. We went to very different types of colleges, she has children, I don’t, etc.  We’ve both really respected each other for who we are though and we’ve always loved and cared about each other, which has enabled us to weather all the differences/changes.
• Lori - We were incredibly close in high school.  We bonded over our love of music (DMB,) had fun getting into “trouble” (drinking - sorry mom,) but also, she was a friend that I could always talk about my feelings to.  She helped me through many breakups and all kinds of other stuff. We stayed in touch via email and the summers in college, but naturally, just weren’t as close not seeing each other.  Lori moved away after college and through her moves, while we stayed in touch occasionally and we still loved and supported each other, we just weren’t in touch very often. And we both were okay with this.  Life changes, people move, individuals may date/marry, jobs change, etc. And I think we both just knew it was okay. We would be in touch occasionally and always just picked up where we left off when we were able to see each other.  And that was okay. When Lori moved back to the Chicago area, we picked up right where we left off and probably became closer than ever. Even though she has moved again, we’ve remained close. And even if we aren’t able to talk as much as we used to, or to see each other that often, it is okay.  We continue to love and support each other.
• Sarah - She became my friend in high school, when I really needed friendship.  We always had fun together, hanging out, getting into “trouble” (again, drinking - again, sorry mom.)  We then went to college and were roommates, living together for 4 years. I’m sure I drove her crazy at times, living together can be tough, but our friendship survived those 4 years living together and we remained close.  While life has changed and we’ve both faced many ups and downs, we’ve been there to support one another. We don’t see each other often, we actually don’t even chat that often, but I know that if I ever needed anything, she would be there. . .she always is when I need her.  And I think she knows the same of me. When we see each other, we can just pick up where we left off.
• So sorry. . .a lot of rambling on, but I am so incredibly grateful that I’ve become okay with friendship changes.

Of the friends that I’ve been able to keep over the years, I think it is mostly due to our ability to accept one another, no matter how big some differences are.  This is something that I think I’ve learned more from my mom than anyone else. (Thanks Mom.)

I remember talking to my mom after I got my tattoo.  She isn’t a tattoo kind of lady, I’m sure if it was solely up to her (not taking my feelings into account,) she would not have me get a tattoo.  However, she was very supportive of my tattoo. . told me it looked good (and I believe she truly thinks that,) she joked with me about her getting a tattoo now etc.  I remember asking her, how she is/has been so supportive of some things in my adult life, which I know she doesn’t agree with. She essentially told me that I’m an adult, she knows that I’ve made thoughtful choices/decisions (e.g. I had a fake tattoo of the tattoo I wanted made, so I could wear it around a couple weeks to make sure I loved it, I could try different sizes/locations.)  I just love and appreciate that she has supported me throughout my life, even if I make decisions she may not agree with. Friends very often won’t make decisions that each other agrees with, but as long as they’re not hurting one another, we should be supportive (in general.)

I’m not a perfect friend, nor am I a friendship expert.  That said, I try. I try to be a good friend, so a few lessons I’ve learned.

Friend Lessons

Friendships change - friends come and go, dynamic changes between friends and that is okay.

A friend doesn’t have to be everything to you.  If you find someone who is everything, that is awesome.  It is okay though to have a friend who maybe isn’t the most trustworthy etc, but who is fun, fun, fun.  It is okay to have them as your fun friend. Just know/understand how different friends fit in your life and keep that in mind in terms of expectations.

Friends don’t have to like the same things, believe the same things etc.  Just respect each other for what they like, do, believe. Thank you to all my friends for being awesome friends - so loving, supportive and fun!