Consent

I just read this article and wanted to share, especially with the many of you who are parents:  This third grade teacher's classroom lessons on consent are perfection.  I feel that the importance of consent was not taught when I was younger and I think it is/has become more and more important and relevant these days.

Reading this article made me think of something Stout’s trainer had said/taught us during one of her classes.  Please know that as much as I love Stout and you know that I do, I am not trying to compare dogs to children. I don’t think they are the same.  Stout though is just the little one I care for and this kind of applied to kids as well. Anyway, one women was trying to get her dog to “say hi” to another person in the room and the dog kept kind of turning away, walking away etc.  The women kept pushing her dog to “say hi.” The trainer stepped in and asked her to stop. . .she pointed out that the dog clearly didn’t want to say hi and was “telling” her that in an appropriate way.  (The dog wasn’t being aggressive and lunging at or biting the person. . .it was walking away etc.) She said that we can’t make dogs like everyone (all people, all animals etc) and that we need to respect them “telling us” that they don’t want to “say hi.”

As I said, I don’t believe dogs and kids are the same, but this got me thinking about kids and consent.  I thought of the age old example of telling a kid to say hi to and give Uncle Joe (random person, who they don’t know) a hug. . .the kid not wanting to do so and being pushed to do so.  Maybe in that case we should respect that they are not giving consent for a hug. We can’t force a kid to feel comfortable. Maybe we should respect their decision. Maybe we just say “if you want to, you can say hi and give Uncle Joe a hug” and/or maybe “you don’t have to give Uncle Joe a hug, even if he keeps asking for one,” maybe instead we just ask the kid to “please be respectful and go in and say hi with mom/dad”. . .but they don’t need to give a hug etc.

Seemingly innocent situations, such as giving Uncle Joe hugs (or not having to,) may be setting kids up to understand and respect consent, for themselves and/or others. . .or not. While I try to not be pushy with kids and/or make them uncomfortable, I'll definitely keep consent in mind when interacting with them. Actually, I'll just try to keep it in mind for everyone. . .adults and kids, since I think one's consent should be given/respected.

Adjusting Our Language For Others

I was recently listening to a podcast (of course) and they were discussing learning the appropriate language to use when talking to/about marginalized people.  I try to be aware of the language I am using and try to ensure I am using the appropriate language, but like anything, I don’t know I’m wrong until I learn I’m wrong.

I didn’t used to know how to speak of/to transgender individuals.  Before I learned that I can/should use something that doesn’t define a specific gender, such as “they,”  rather than guessing/assuming a gender, I would find ways around it. For example, I was leading our team of vendors and there was a vendor and I was not sure of their gender - I didn’t know if they were cis or trans, what gender they identified with etc.  I wanted to ensure I was handling it appropriately and on top of that, they were Filipino and I wasn’t familiar with how gender identity was handled in Filipino culture. To avoid any issues, I just used the vendor’s name when referring to them. So rather than saying “he said” or “she said,” I would just say “xyz name said.”

I know that many people can find it quite silly, annoying, difficult to have to watch what they say and not use language that applies to “everyone else,” - especially related to things that some people believe individuals choose such as gender, sexuality etc.  Well this podcast had a simple, but great point (in my opinion) - It is much harder for marginalized groups/individuals to ask for certain language to be used than it is for us to use that language, so whether we personally “get it” or think it matters or is important, we should try to use the language requested.  Someone is likely likely going on a limb asking for certain language to be used, the least we can do is use the appropriate language.

Below is a list of accessibility language tips that was provided at work.  This obviously isn’t inclusive of all language that we should keep in mind.  It doesn’t include language around gender, sexuality and a variety of others, but I just thought I would share.  I’m not perfect. . .far from it, but I just try to be aware of the language I and others use, changes in language, how marginalized groups are asking to be spoken to/of.  It is a simple thing that we can do to help and respect others.

Accessibility Language

Blindness

• OK to use: person who is blind; screen reader user (if applicable)
• Avoid: the blind; sight-deficient; people with sight problems; unsighted; visually challenged

Vision impairment

• OK to use: person who is visually impaired; person who is low-vision; magnification user (if applicable)
• Avoid: sight-deficient; people with sight problems; unsighted; visually challenged

• Deafness and hearing loss

• OK to use: Deaf person (capitalized); person who is deaf or hard-of-hearing; person who is hearing-impaired; person with hearing loss
• Avoid: deaf mute; deaf and dumb; the deaf; hearing disabled

Mobility, motor, or dexterity impairment

• OK to use: person with a motor disability; person with a physical disability; person with a mobility impairment (refers to walking or moving about); person with a dexterity impairment (refers to using a standard mouse/keyboard); person who uses a wheelchair, walker or cane; wheelchair user; person with restricted or limited mobility

• Avoid: confined/restricted to a wheelchair; wheelchair-bound; deformed; crippled; physically challenged

Amputations

• OK to use: amputee (OK); person with an amputation (better); residual limb (when referring to the remaining limb)
• Avoid: gimp; stump (when referring to the remaining limb)

Cognitive impairment

• OK to use: person with a cognitive disability; person with a learning disability; person with an intellectual disability; person with a developmental disability; person with Down Syndrome (or other specific medically diagnosed condition)
• Avoid: the developmentally disabled; retarded; demented; deficient; insane; slow or slow learner; abnormal or normal; mongoloid; idiot; crazy; mental

Aging

• OK to use: older adults; aging population
• Avoid: the elderly; the aged; seniors; senior citizens; "80 years young"

Autism

• OK to use: autistic person; autistic adult; autistic child; autist
• Avoid: person with autism
• Why: Not all autistic people are children (important), and it can be useful to specify if that’s relevant. Autists usually prefer identity-first language.

General reminders

• Avoid: normal; healthy
• Why: Describing people without disabilities as normal or healthy implies that people with a disability are abnormal or sick.  
• Say instead: nondisabled person; sighted person; hearing person; persons without disabilities; neurotypical; typically developing (for a child)
• Avoid: the disabled; a quadriplegic; the blind; accessibility users
• Why: These terms remove personhood and define individuals by their disabilities. One exception is that the names of some advocacy groups include "the Blind" or "the Deaf"; this usage often has historical roots but generally doesn't make sense for common speech/writing.
• Say instead: people with disabilities; people experiencing disabilities; a quadriplegic person; person who uses a wheelchair
• Avoid: victim of; suffering from; afflicted with
• Why: These terms reflect a bias or projected feelings of an individual’s situation.
• Avoid: physically challenged; special; differently abled; handi-capable
• Why: Trendy euphemisms are generally regarded by the disability community as patronizing and inaccurate.
• Avoid: handicap
  Why: Handicap should be used only to describe a barrier or problem created by society or the environment. For example, “The stairs leading to the stage were a handicap to him.”

Kids Cussing?  Hell yeah! (Sorry Mom!)

I just read this article, which I thought had a really good point:  A mom is going viral for her thoughtful response to her kid using curse words.  I obviously don’t know how to parent/raise children.  I don’t know how you parents do it. . .you are awesome.

I don’t think that kids cussing is great and agree with this article in that maybe the actual cussing isn’t the most important thing to focus one (don’t worry, I won’t be dropping the f-bomb when I talk to your kids next.)

I really liked the mom’s response/position in the article:

She explains: Her son is getting to an age where he's going to copy his friends, no matter what she teaches him. Better that he learns to surround himself with good people than to adhere to a rule like "Never curse!"

Lets face it, we’ve all been influenced by friends, in good and bad ways.  I think the article sums it up perfectly:

So while it's important to say 'don't swear it's not cool' it's equally important to teach your kids to strive to find friends with similar moral codes to your family.