New Year Resolutions, No?  Maybe Intentions Instead. . .

I’ve never been a big fan of New Year resolutions, but with the New Year almost here, I figure now is the time for my to share a few thoughts.

I think I’ve never been a big fan of resolutions because, if you want/need to change something, why not do it “now,” regardless of what time of year it is.  If people make resolutions that improve their lives or the lives of others, I’m all for it. It just isn’t something that I love.

Below are links to a couple Upworthiest articles on resolutions.  To be honest, I’ve only read the one on journaling, because I used to journal a lot (maybe I’ll start up again,) but I did want to share one idea/thought that I recently heard on one of my podcasts (of course,) about resolutions.

The podcast host who is very open and self aware (she also is a recovering alcoholic,)  Anyway, she mentioned that years ago she was working with one of her therapists and they essentially asked why she bothers making resolutions.  They pointed out that she usually isn’t able to keep them (or not keep them to the standard that she has for herself) and then ends up beating herself up - like most people.  Her therapist suggested that rather than making a resolution, that she identify her intention(s) for the year. I really like the idea of intentions (at least for people who are hard on himself if they don’t meet goals, etc.)  I think of intentions as being more flexible, while still providing direction in what you do/how you live your life.

So this year, it is intentions for me.  I need to think more about this, but I think two intentions that I have in mind for 2019 will to be more aware of privilege - mine and others (or lack there of) and will be to be more kind/helpful, particularly just nice,kind things, even the tiniest kind actions - for example I've been trying to make sure when going out to dinner that I clean up the table, stack the dishes etc for the server, just to make their job a tiny, tiny bit easier.

Happy 2019 everyone!

• Here's The Science You Can't Not Know Before Making That Ambitious New Year's Resolution
• 9 reasons why writing in a journal should be your only resolution in the new year

Selfless Parents

This morning I read Man Books 6 Flights To Spend Christmas With Flight Attendant Daughter.  As you would expect, it is a feel good, holiday article.  This really got me thinking though about the selflessness of parents.  I mean, spending your holiday, flying around the country, just to be on the same plane as your daughter, who is working and not able to just solely hang-out with dad. . .doesn’t sound like a great Christmas to me.  Yet this father did this to be near his daughter, so she wouldn’t be alone for the holidays.

While it didn’t receive much attention, I love that they included the bit about her mother.  As many mothers often are, I feel like she is a bit of an unsung hero here.  Not to take away from the father’s selflessness, but her mother insisted her husband spend this time with his daughter, resulting in the mother being alone, (well with the pets she was caring for) on the holidays.  What an amazing, selfless mom.

While I have experienced this selflessness throughout my life, in big and little ways - thank you Mom (and Pop, although he isn’t reading,) I am still just amazed by the ongoing, unwavering selflessness of all the parents in my life - family, friends, co-workers etc.  You guys are all amazing!

Emotional Labor

My friend Melissa was just telling me about this article that she had read - Women Aren't Nags—We're Just Fed Up.  It discusses Emotional Labor and more specifically, how women tend to take on more emotional labor than men.  It isn’t a short article, but I found it really interesting and insightful.

I have never really been able to communicate it as “emotional labor,” but I have felt that I am often doing a lot to keep things running and in order in our household and my husband just doesn’t really seem to realize or appreciate it - I am the one who pays attention to if we are almost out of toilet paper, toothpaste, his hot sauce etc., so I will be sure to get more.  I am also picking up and putting things away so our home isn’t a mess, so things aren’t misplaced etc.

I of course wish that my husband put in more emotional labor in our household, but in his defense, he does do a lot to help out in general and I know that he just doesn’t get it.  A lot of these things that I take on/handle just don’t really stand out as something that needs to be done to him and I know he just doesn’t realize how much work it is to take on so much of the emotional labor.  I guess I just need to try to call it out to him more and try to make him better understand and more aware.

I am of course talking about my husband, because he is the one other person that I share my day-to-day life with.  While as women we take on much more of the emotional labor than men, this isn’t only a gender divide. While thinking about this, I was thinking about how my two older sisters take on much of the emotional labor for me (thanks Alie and Lyss. . .and sorry.)  I think as the youngest I often kind of fall back into being the youngest and taking on less work/responsibility than my older sisters, since that was often the case when I was growing up. My sisters already take on so much being the awesome moms, wives, sisters, daughters and friends that they are, so I need to and will make an effort to take on more of the emotional labor and not put it all on them.

I cannot talk about emotional labor without recognizing my mom, who has throughout the years taken on a large majority of emotional labor for our family (as so many mothers do) and she continues to do so. Thank you, thank you, thank you mom! I will try to take on more of the emotional labor.

Privilege

“Privilege refers to the uneven distribution of power within a society.  Privilege exists when that aspect of your life is seamlessly accepted into the world without scrutiny or suspicion.”

I recently read this article on privilege - I didn’t understand male privilege until I became a stay-at-home dad.  While I enjoyed the article, I really liked the site that was linked to in the article - Managing Privilege.

I have always thought of myself as fortunate, but would never have described myself as privileged.  For me privilege had a negative connotation. After reading Managing Privilege though, I no longer think of privilege as a negative (or positive,) it just is what it is.

I am committed to be more aware of my privilege and will try to be more mindful of it. I will try to listen to others who are not as privileged, to give them a chance to speak up/share and to educate myself and continue learning.

A couple things I liked from Managing Privilege:

• “Privilege is a fact, not an insult.  You can’t help it if you have it, and you don’t have to feel guilty about it.”
• “Privilege is not absolute.  Most people occupy multiple social positions with multiple levels of privilege or disadvantage.”

I decided to look at where I hold/don’t hold privilege:

Privileged

• White
• Cisgender
• Straight
• Able bodied/pass as able bodied
• Weight and height “accepted” by society
• Educated
• Financially stable, “intact” family

Not Privileged

• Mentally ill
• Chronic illness

Michelle Obama on Fallon & Marriage Counseling

I watched Michelle Obama on Fallon recently and in the interview she discusses she and Barack going to marriage counseling.  I've always thought they seem to have an amazing relationship and she says they do, but stresses that relationships take work.  She also jokes that she took Barack and essentially expected the doctor to deal with him, fix his issues etc. and the doctor worked with Michelle on changes she needed to make.

I loved this little story for a couple reasons:

• It is a great reminder that all relationships take work, even relationships that are good.  Not only do relationships require work, but it is an ongoing process - you need to continually be working on your relationship.
• It is easy when something is wrong to blame the other person involved, when really, we too likely play a part in the issue.  This applies to all relationships - spouses, parents, siblings, friends, co-workers, etc.  It is so easy when something is wrong to say they need to do x,y,z, but we should also be looking at ourselves, because we likely can/should be doing something to help resolve/fix the issue as well.

Lastly, I just want to stress that I don't think all relationships should/can be saved.  There are some people close to me that have gotten divorced for example and while I supported them in doing so at the time, I look at them now and can see how that was the right decision for them, in a variety of ways.  Anyway, I just wanted to stress that I'm not standing on soapbox saying everyone needs to just put the work in on every relationship.

I Love That I'm Seeing More & More Body Positive Messaging

I noticed not long ago that on Target's site, they have women, with a variety of bodies, (not just rail thin models,) modeling their swimsuits.  This weekend I saw this article These Women Posed ‘Nude’ In The Middle Of London To Make A Point About Victoria’s Secret.

Then later this weekend I was riding in the car with my sister and her son and daughter.  I was telling my sister about the article of the women in London  and the Target models and my young niece asked what we were talking about.  I explained that we were talking about some women who are modeling and they have "normal" bodies, that while models are super skinny and beautiful, most women don't look like that - they are still beautiful, but just don't look the same as the models.  My niece almost seemed to think it was silly that I was pointing this out - yes, all women look different and are beautiful in all different bodies. We talked about her mom, me and her grandma all having different bodies, but we're all beautiful, right?  (She of course said "yes!")

I absolutely loved her reaction. . .it seemed to be such a non-issue that we have different bodies than models and she seemed to strongly believe we are all just as beautiful as models.  I'm sure that her age plays a part in this, but I also think that it is my sister (and brother-in-law,) focusing on exercise to be healthy and strong, not focusing on wight loss, appearance, etc.   Hopefully with some body positive messaging becoming a bit more prevalent, young girls (actually everyone, all genders, all ages,) will be more body positive, comfortable with and accepting of their bodies.

 2 Women Erased $1.5M in Medical Debt for Strangers

Today a blog I was listening to mentioned that two NY women raised money and were able to erase $1.5M in medical debt for people across NY.  I had to read up on this:  2 New Yorkers Erased $1.5 Million in Medical Debt for Hundreds of Strangers.

What an amazing organization that enabled these women to use the $12,500 raised to erase $1.5M in medical debts.  Debt is so incredibly terrible and stressful to deal with, especially for those also dealing with medical issues.  I can't imagine the joy and relief that individuals had to have felt when getting a letter in the mail from the debt collection company telling them they no longer have any debt.

I just loved hearing this.  What incredibly kind women and a great organization!

Walking the Walk

One issue that I've often had with religion, is that I feel that people and churches often "talk the talk," but often don't "walk the walk."

My very best friend growing up was a very religious Christian her entire life, as was her entire family.  I recall seeing her and her mom once as adult and her mom was asking me what church I belong to in Chicago.Upon stating that I don't belong to a church in Chicago her mother expressed disapproval and Laura said something along the lines of "mom, don't judge, Jesus wouldn't judge her" and I just remember thinking that is so very true and I wish more people would "walk the walk" of their religion and beliefs.

Anyway, this was all top of mind for me after reading this article:  This church has held non-stop services for a month to save a refugee family from deportation.  I just love what this church is doing and seeing the church "walk the walk."

 

What could have been the start to a bad day, turned around knowing there is still kindness out there

This week I was running errands.  I of course ended up getting more than planned and much of it was heavy.  I had my reusable bag with me and was walking home from the grocery store holding the super heavy reusable bag, two bottles of a vanilla chai drink I like (I had gotten four, with two being in the bag. . .hey it was on sale) and a large package of toilet paper.  I was struggling to walk home, but was fine.  I didn't have far to go.  I was almost home, crossing Ashland (a large, busy street for those that aren't familiar) and handles broke.  Okay, I bent down, pick up the stuff that fell out, put it back in the bag and just pick the bag up by the top of the bag. . .then the top of the bag rips off - shit.  My walk signal is ending at this point, so I just literally start kicking stuff to the side of the street so I could get out of the way.  Luckily I get everything out of the way in time for the cars begin coming through.

While I was in the crosswalk dealing with this, a women had yelled from her car asking if I need a ride somewhere.  I said "no, but thank you." I was just one block from home and doesn't she know you should never ride with strangers - even a nice women than in a SUV.  After getting everything to the side of the road and getting out of the way of the cars, I decided I would take off my jacket and put everything in my jacket and carry it home hobo style.  As I was doing this I heard "excuse me."  I looked up and it was the women from the car, who had offered me a ride.  She had a nice big, reusable bag and which she gave to me as she started loading my groceries in the bag.  I thanked her profusely and tried to give her $5 for the bag.  She refused the money and just asked me to be sure to pay it forward.  How nice.  This women pulled over, got out of her car and gave me this bag, to help me and she definitely turned my day around.  It is wonderful when you are reminded that there are incredibly kind people out there.

George H.W. Bush

A daily podcast that I listen to focused on George H.W. Bush yesterday.  I honestly didn’t know much about him, I don’t really remember anything from when he was president, etc.  The more I heard though, the more and more I liked and respected him. No, looking back, I don’t love and agree with everything he did and stood for, but still, he really seemed to be a very kind, respectful person and bipartisan politician.  A few things that I learned (and this is just by memory from the podcast I listened to, so I could have gotten some details wrong.)

• He enlisted in the Air Force right after Pearl Harbor and was the youngest fighter pilot ever at that time
• Was known to get along well with politicians  on both sides, he worked well with both sides.  I wish that we had more of this these days.
• President Obama visited, (Dallas I think,) and when  he got off the plane, President H.W. Bush was there waiting in his wheelchair.  A member of the press asked why he was there, (they were on different sides politically after all,) and he said something along the lines of when my President visits my city, I attend to show my respect.
• He was obviously a father figure to his son, George Bush, but he acted as a kind of father figure for several presidents, Clinton, Obama, etc. Helping them, supporting them and guiding them, regardless of differences politically.
• He was close with Michelle Obama.  (I LOVE Michelle Obama, so that is enough said for me.)
• He had a service dog, Sully.  Of course I am not happy that he was in need of a service dog. . .you just know I love dogs.

Rather than waiting for the sun to shine, learn to dance in the rain

Thanksgiving

I was listening to a podcast around Thanksgiving and they were discussing how we should be celebrating Thanksgiving, seeing that it wasn’t all the pilgrims being friends with and giving thanks with the indigenous people, etc.  One women said that she and her children find who lived on land where they are celebrating and thank them for the land.  I thought this could be a fun little project for kids.

Tyra - Body Positive & Relationship w/ Mom

I watched Tyra Banks on the Daily Show with Trevor Noah.  In typical Tyra fashion, she was a bit cooky at times, but there were a couple things that really stood out to me.

• I have always loved and admired how body positive she is and she talked about a time when she was modeling in Milan and was told her booty was too big for modeling.  Her mom took her out for pizza that night and with Tyra in tears, eating pizza her mom asked her what companies want models with booties. As Tyra answered, “Victoria's Secret, Sports Illustrated, etc.” her mom had her write down the list.  After dinner she gave Tyra the list and said those are the companies to focus on.

• Tyra talked about her relationship with her mom, how close they were, they are etc.  After sharing this video with my mom I didn’t want her to think that I had wanted or that she should have had a similar relationship with me that Tyra and her mom did, so I told my mom I appreciate that she followed my lead in how I like to communicate.  It is so silly now, but I remember when I started my period, I was too embarrassed and uncomfortable talking to my mom about it, so I wrote her a note telling her I started my period. She then wrote me a sweet note back, got me all the stuff I needed and said I could come to her if I needed anything.  Looking back at it, I love that she wrote me a note since that is how I had approached her.

• After telling Allie about this, she shared an idea about having a notebook to communicate with kids.  So you can have a notebook for each kid and leave it in their bedroom. They can write notes to mom/dad in it and mom/dad can read it and respond in the notebook. I thought it was a great way to open up communication, whether kids may be more comfortable writing, or drawing pictures to express themselves.